momo the puppy

You've been in my life barely 3 months, and all it took was some powerful booming of fireworks, and your desperate attempts to scale the fence, and then you were gone.
I miss seeing you at the door, always happy, always friendly. I miss seeing you trying to walk one foot in front of another along the edge of the fence just to avoid contact with the grass, or lying with your head on the ledge of my door. I can still remember that day when you walked around stiffly after your kutu spray, trying all means to rub against the wall. It took a roll in the grass for you to finally feel comfortable again. And of course the funniest moment was when you practically plastered yourself to the wall when the lawn-mower started.
There's been this hole in my heart where you've been. I may look at other puppies, but all i think of is that they are not you.
I hope you find your way home someday. Till we meet again..

Mixed feelings

Excited, yet anxious about how the future will play out.
Happy, yet feel somehow alone in this...

When the going gets hard..

The hard gets going..?

What if it hurts to see the people u love go through hardship because of u..

Then u become the burden.. the problem source.. The problem itself?

When I am in auto mode

There are moments in time where your brain tells you you shouldn't. But it's like you can't control your fingers or eyes. Like they're on auto mode, flipping an scanning through those that should not be seen, pictures coming back to haunt you at your darkest hour.

Dammit..

Emo day :S

Maybe it's coz I've been working non-stop and my normal common sense is lost somewhere between dreamland and reality..

Maybe it's d period in time where I see the black dot instead of the whole white sheet of paper...

Maybe it's the impending headache that I can feel coming but is yet still reluctant to pop in a PCM...

Maybe it's my inability to resist checking out the past even when I know that my mind cannot just process and delete without obsessing over some small detail which might become an incessant thorn at my side...

Maybe it's knowing that i will never have any share in a certain period of memories..

Maybe I should just finish my on-call then go home and crash into my bed....

confusion...

why is it always either too much or too little?

why can't it be just nice?

why doesn't it feel right?

is it? or is it not?

decisions to be made. answers not yet found. SOS, God..

musings of 10 years before..

right now i'm having the beginnings of a headache, with aching bones and intensive futsal training ahead. lolz.. i so wana just jump into bed and go to sleep, not wondering whether i should start reading a chapter of sarawak handbook a day or devise some sort of plan that precludes working, eating, playing, facebook-ing, drama-ing and sleeping so that i can fill my brain a little.

i've been mechanically going to work and coming home everyday, and suddenly i realise i've been a frp for half a freaking year. gosh, why don't i feel more adequate?

but i digress..

the main idea propelling me to revisit my blog was so because i was suddenly reminded of life as it was 10 years ago, when we were in form 5 and 17 and young.

ah those were the days...

i think back to how i thought life would be in the future.. and it is so not like what it is now.

i think back to what i thought was so important then.. and well, some still is, like friendship. exams..? err well, let's not talk about exams since we are finally beyond their bind. woohoo..

i think of tears shed over love lost. well, i now see the meaning of the phrase "what can't kill you makes you stronger".

somehow it saddens me to know that certain paths will no longer cross. that relationships will drift apart inevitably.

everyone has made their various decisions over the path of time, leading them to where they are now, to who they are now. some leading accomplished lives, some leading simple but happy lives, some still searching.

and i can sense a lot of red bombs landing soon.

we are who we are. life is good. the laughter shared over all these years are still echoing in my ears. the tears, i choose to forget.

life might not have turned out as what i always planned. in fact, it turned out better than i could have ever imagined. i realise that paths will cross and paths will part. that's the way of life. i'm saddened by the parting that always happens, but since there's nothing i can do bout it, i will just treasure the moments all the more deeply, all tucked in their respective pockets in my heart.

cheers everyone.

may everyone have a good life. ^^

smooth dance moves~~

i know i've been away from blogging for like ages.. but this song drives me crazy and i just gotta share.

lengzai.. malaysian.. with such fluid and smooth dance moves.. can't see this enough times ^^

Oh baby 看着我 快乐不再沉默

因为能见你 阳光好温柔

还不到一分钟 你早镇住了我

加快我 告白的冲动

你温柔的笑容 腼腆中打倒我

一阵莫名幸福深深撼动着

你笑着对我说 怎么你还不懂

好人卡只配好朋友

这个时候 你送给我 好人卡哦！成了迷惑

你的喜欢 友情以上 恋人未满 没有答案

可是你说的喜欢我知道不是爱上

我有很多话很想跟你讲 listen up

我可以 为了你 坚定不移放逐我自己

因为我爱着你 因为我爱着你

我可以 惊天动地怒放向全世界宣誓

爱上你完美了一切

我可以 日日夜夜为你写首爱的诗句

因为我爱着你 因为我爱着你

多么想永远和你在一起

你温柔的笑容 腼腆中打倒我

一阵莫名幸福深深撼动着

你笑着对我说 怎么你还不懂

好人卡只配好朋友

我的手中 用力紧握 好人卡哦！还是迷惑

你的喜欢 友情以上 恋人未满 没有答案

可是那2012的预言你慌不慌

趁它来临前 我只想跟你讲 listen up

我可以 为了你 坚定不移放逐我自己

因为我爱着你 因为我爱着你

我可以惊天动地怒放向全世界宣誓

爱上你完美了一切

我可以 日日夜夜为你写首爱的诗句

因为我爱着你 因为我爱着你

多么想永远和你一起

我可以 为了你 坚定不移放逐我自己

因为我爱着你 因为我爱着你

我可以惊天动地怒放向全世界宣誓

爱上你完美了一切

我可以 日日夜夜为你写首爱的诗句

因为我爱着你 因为我爱着你

多么想永远和你一起

我只想永远和你一起~

frp day 1

i got back into htjs. not to say very elated, not to say very sad. my parents are the happiest though. i suppose i should feel very blessed, actually. since there are places far more ulu where there's no internet, no water, and petrol costs will end up high as well as car maintenance for driving through the bumpy stone roads.

so anyway, here i am now starting as full-time warfarin mtac pharmacist and to take over the orthopedic wards 4B and 2B. in actual fact.. i'm scared.. i don't feel like i know a heck of a lot. i don't feel confident in myself. sigh.. most importantly, i must make sure i do not harm any patient in any way, or i will never forgive myself.

whatever it is, here's to the future.

my new motto for this year:
don't demand respect. earn it.

lOst

with all that's been happening around me recently,
i suddenly feel a bit lost..
i seem to have lost my bearings..
tottering on the brink of uncertainty

of who I am

of what I am

of where to go

of my future, my dreams

change.. partings.. changes in roles..

I feel loss

I am lost.

I am all alone.

points of interest in these two days...

1. bukit tinggi is freakin hot. is this global warming?

2. after like 2 years away from kl, i accidentally took the lrt instead of monorail.. so end up need to walk a long long way to low yat. in the rain somemore.. along the way, met this ang moh who asked me, pointing to my umbrella.. "where can i buy the parachute?"

wow.. now that i think bout it, there is some resemblance between those two..

3. some people actually prefer night call to A&E. i was supposed to work night call tonight and A&E on sunday. now i get to work A&E 8-5pm for both sat and sun instead. at least my internal 'clock' won't be jumbled up.=] working weekend sucks though.. if not i can go meet tortugana and maybe evileyn this weekend.. :(

4. was wearing my P106 t-shirt and shorts today and passed by some saleman. he had to ask.. are you over 18? ><

5. my camera oh my camera.. why are my pictures corrupted sometimes?? nikon says camera no problem.. memory card might or might not be the problem.. most probably computer problem.. huh?

6. i'm super freakin broke now.. :..( need to start saving some money...

1 year....

i hadn't realised it, but today i heard someone mention 1st Aug, then wham it all came back to me.. it's been 1 year, since she's gone, 1 year, where i kept myself busy working and working.. sometimes as i go through life, i come across something, and i can imagine her cute reaction. then i can't help but smile to myself. man, i miss her.. i do not know if i can ever become as strong and smart and courageous as she is, but there's no harm trying right? so there she is being good neighbours with my brother.. and i miss them both. hope both of them are happy up there. till we meet again..

Choices...

if i could choose, where would my destiny lie..?

sometimes having a choice, or what somewhat figures for a choice, is harder than none..

feels like a stress-induced gastric coming....

let's hope tomorrow goes well.. i need some wisdom here..

说了再见。。。

  天亮了 雨下了 你走了
 清楚了 我爱的 遗失了
 落叶飘在湖面上睡著了

 想要放 放不掉 泪在飘
 你看看 你看看不到
 我假装过去不重要 却发现自己办不到

 说了再见 才发现再也见不到
 我不能就这样失去你的微笑

 口红待在桌脚 而你我找不到
 若角色对调你说好不好

 说了再见 才发现再也见不到
 能不能就这样忍著痛泪不掉

 说好陪我到老 永恒往哪里找
 再次拥抱一分一秒都好

 天亮了 雨下了 你走了
 清楚了 我爱的 遗失了
 落叶飘在湖面上睡著了

 想要放 放不掉 泪在飘
 你看看 你看看不到
 我假装过去不重要 却发现自己办不到

 说了再见 才发现再也见不到
 我不能就这样失去你的微笑

 口红待在桌脚 而你我找不到
 若角色对调你说好不好

 你的笑 你的好 脑海里 一直在绕
 我的手 忘不了 你手的温度

 心碎了一地 捡不回从前的心跳
 伤心过去我无力逃跑

 说再见 才发现再也见不到
 能不能就这样忍著痛泪不掉

 说好陪我到老 永恒往哪里找
 再次拥抱一分一秒都好....

转圈圈

是时候面对事实了

为什么为什么为什么。。。

去睡觉算了。。

face to face with H1N1

it was 4.30pm and there came a call to teach MDI inhaler technique in 8C. it didn't hit me at first that that was the isolation ward until the SN said the patient was H1N1 positive.

shudders..

well, i guess i didn't have much of a choice. given the timing and knowing that most probably the name will just hang there in the office, i went up, postponing my article review for tomorrow.

the robing was quite fun actually, ignoring the fact that i put the robe the opposite way first time round. when i got up there there were actually TWO patients, not one. just my luck. i guess this has to do with my bad habit of having spares. now fate is mocking me.

but i digress.

so anyway, the robing was quite fun. there was the robe, shoe cover, gloves, head cover, N95 (i put on a normal mask too for double protection). not too bad, i could still breathe.

i had to robe myself 2 times since after each patient i had to throw everything into the yellow bin.

first patient was quite fast since she did not have the inhaler with her, so all i could do was show her the leaflet and try to explain. gosh i hope they don't call again tomorrow. :S

second patient was quite a harrowing experience. she didn't wear her mask. she kept coughing. i tried hard not to visualise the tiny bugs flying out of her mouth and wafting across my face in the room. gosh.. can they even penetrate through skin? or mucosal membranes? or enter through pimples on my face??? open wounds wei.....:( half my face and eyes are not covered. they should make some kind of mask so that i'm fully coated.:(

and so she coughed and coughed and coughed.. sigh..

then since i had to reassess her technique, i had to ask her to exhale.. sigh.. all the bugs flying out.. :S :S i had to demonstrate inhaling, through the mask of course, but even then i shudder to think if the bugs can penetrate the mask then i'm inhaling them deep down into my lungs...

sigh.... tonight i cannot sleep dy..

h/o's... ><'''

i can never understand how they think..

went to the ward to collect data for my research. all i need is to search the census for ugib cases, then have a peak at the bht to see whether it's due to forrest I or II ulcers, then a few minutes will do to complete my survey form.

scenario 1: hmm.. bed 22.. bed 22.. where's bed 22? oh that h/o is holding it. i observe for a while. he's just hugging the file close to his chest while following the m/o on their rounds. he's not doing anything to it, not looking at it, but just holding it. and they are rounding some other beds. after a while, the h/o walks to the back of the ward, talks a bit, still holding to that file. so i approach him and ask politely whether i can use the file for a while. he looks at me like i'm rubbish (he knows who i am since i was attached there for a while) then he asks: WHY? okay... so i explain.. just for a while to jot down some details for research. then he creases his brow, looks totally irritated, and says: NOT NOW. then walks away. wth? No. 1: so rude. No.2: not like he's using it anyway.

so i follow him around at some distance like some puppy. and it's so obvious that he's not using it. the fact dawned on him too but will he pass it to me? nooooo... after hugging the file and following the round for some time, he finally took the file and put it on the trolley. gah.. cannot admit he was hogging it by passing to me? anyways, i didn't even take 5 minutes.

Scenario 2: i needed the file for just like 1 minute to check whether is ugib due to ulcer or not, file's at the counter, h/o says wait. fair enough, they had to use it to confirm something over the phone. after that, another doc turn it facing me to check something, then they were done with the file. i tried to sneak a peek at the yellow ogds finding page to see the diagnosis, then this h/o turned the whole file around, purposely i think, just to leaf through it. waa.. then i had to read upside down as he leafed through.

sigh...

is cervarix or gardasil really neccessary??

been wondering for some time.. to take or not to take.. if take, which brand.. seems like both has quite a high incidence of side effects.. although most people are fine. mom's freaking out at the thought of taking the vaccine.. putting thoughts of death rates into my head. a brief search on internet and now apart from death, got paralysis, bells palsy etc swimming in my head. i'm just wondering.. will i regret it if i don't take it? sigh... my mind's a blunder.. and i'm not getting younger. 26 will come all too soon.. :(

i should know better..

but it hurts all the same..

为何生活那么乏味。。。？

最近不知为何 生活那么纳闷

每天要做的事堆积如山
没完没了

每早上到ward，就得赶紧乘医生还没开始round就把所有病人的医药历史纪录好。

访问一个病人，或许一分钟（若病人没什么病），或许15分钟（若病人多多病）。那只是1个病人耶。一天通常都会有7-8新病人，可是九点多医生就开始round了。

round 时医生或许会当我透明（最好不过了），或许会问我些找得到答案的问题，又或许会给我一些很高难度的journal去找。

round完了，就得教病人如何打塘尿针，或如何用气喘的pump。

每天还得详细记录与研究3份病人的档案。

每个星期要更深入研究1个case, 要不然就会被炸到残残。

这4个星期里，几乎一有时间都只是在预备case,一天3个的档案全还没动，算算都有60等着我去研究。天啊。。。之后还有2个礼拜还没来呢。。。

现在新老板又换了制度，更多晚班了，更多周末得上班了，而且得上更长的时间，过后只能用那些时间拿假，不过以我们繁忙的工作，偶尔拿假也未必拿到。

如果那一站不够人手，难道还能拿假？如果那一站的工做不完，难道还能拿假？到最后也是成为了免费送给老板, cheap labour.. ><

虽然觉得工作蛮有意义，有好多东西学，但却感到非常非常的累。

我下半辈子就得这么过吗？？？想到都冒冷汗。

有时会觉得，别行业的都不能了解我们的繁忙，痛苦，压力。

顿时在众多朋友家人甚至教会朋友当中觉得莫名的孤独。

唯一的安慰是当我看见实习医生们，我上班前他们已在，我下班后他们仍然还在，才觉得我还不算最累的。

顿时感到心情好遭。。。